Self-doubt Is a Bitch by GUEST WRITER Matthew Seckinger!!

Self-doubt is a bitch …

I went into yoga teacher training last December, with Richelle and 17 other yogis, with the ambition of some day teaching classes. I think a lot of us had that goal. There were a few hands up when the teacher asked who took the training simply to deepen their practice. But the majority of us raised ours when asked, “Who wants to teach yoga after graduating?” What I seemed to forget when signing that credit card receipt for $2,000+ was that teaching yoga was pretty much a job in public speaking. Matthew doesn’t really do public speaking. I looked at a list online that had Americans’ Top Ten Fears. Number Two was Fear Of Public Speaking. Number Six was Fear Of Death. This means that people would prefer to die than to speak in public. I don’t know if I’d take it to that extreme, but I understand. (I don’t do “LOL,” but if I did, this would be the perfect place for such an abbreviation.) I’m kind of an introvert. The thought of getting up in front of 50 people and letting them into my heart and soul is a bit frightening.

I learned what I could during those months of training. If I remember correctly, we had seven weeks of Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday night, all day Saturday and all day Sunday, over the course of 16 weeks. I drank up as much information as I could. I loved it. I was thirsty for as much as could be thrown my way. After graduating, some of my cohort compatriots went out and started teaching right away. I took a different route. I co-lead mentored the training after mine. And then I did another. And then I did another yet. One of the things I’ve reflected on since making those commitments, I think I kept volunteering to co-lead mentor these sessions so I could claim I was too busy to teach. Let’s look back at the pattern. I finished all of my teacher training homework early. I finished my book reviews early. I had my final exam 99 percent finished almost three weeks before the due date. But then I set aside the final. I didn’t go back to it for months. I finally finished it in April. The due date was supposed to be in mid-January. So, here is this perfectionist getting all of his work done early and then holding off on finishing the final. But why? Fear. I had convinced myself that as soon as I handed in the final and got my certificate, I was going to be expected to teach. And if I was to teach, certainly I was to fail. Right? The final and the co-lead mentoring run the same trail. “I can’t teach now. If I teach now, it’s going to suck. I am going to suck.”

In the last of the teacher trainings I co-lead mentored, there was a woman who was participating who really inspired me. She’s a cancer survivor. As she was fighting for her life, she made a decision — “Once I beat this thing, I am opening a yoga studio.” And she’s done it. She set fear aside and went after her dreams. Is it going to take a cancer scare or, worse yet, a cancer battle for me to seize my opportunity? This cancer survivor offered me a job teaching at her studio. I took it. I can’t say I’ve gotten over the fear. I show up to class (it’s a new studio) and no one shows up. On Sundays, I write my sequences. I convince myself that I have written yoga gold. On Thursday mornings, I drive to Golden and pray no one shows up. Then I feel guilty about putting that energy out into the universe. If I think it, truly believe it deep in my soul, I will manifest it.

I saw a girl on The Voice the other night. Yes, hahaha. I watch The Voice. That aside, I was inspired. This girl, she is 15 or 16, finished the song — she destroyed it. It was beautiful. (Music moves me. I’m not ashamed to admit that music has moved me to tears many times.) All four judges turned around to court her to join their team. I think it was Cee Lo Green who asked, “Who do you usually sing for, young lady?” or something like that. Her response? It was something along the lines of, “I’ve never sang in front of anyone before this, but I finally realized that I have a gift and I need to share it.” The hair on the back of my neck, cliché as it is, stood up. I may have had a tear or two in the corner of my eyes. Again, I am pretty sure it was Cee Lo who then said something like, “This (life) isn’t a dress rehearsal. This is the real thing.” Wise statement. Cliché but wise.

That’s what I am working on this week. I know I have a message. I just fall into self-doubt as to whether anyone wants my message. And if they do want what I can offer, do they want me to be the one delivering it? I’m finally calling bullshit on myself. I’ve gotten so much support from Shannon Paige, Nancy Kate Williams Rau, Gina Caputo and all of my yoga friends from my teacher training, other friends and from my family, all telling me that I can do this and that I can be good at this — I just need to believe in myself.

No prayers of an empty studio this Thursday morning. I will offer myself to one student, three students or 50 students who show up over these next few weeks and months.   

Self-doubt can take a hike.